I can't do this
by lyviel
Summary: Mild Trespasser spoilers. This is essentially a rewrite of the second half of the first conversation with Dorian because Inquisitor Elden was very overwhelmed by everything. I'll have a proper description inside to avoid spoiling anything. I'm skipping most of the in-game dialog and adding my own because Elden had a lot more to say


Elden knew Dorian had obligations in Tevinter but the reality of the situation, that he may never see Dorian again, hit him hard. He needed to talk this through with Dorian somewhere private. Everything was falling down around him. He couldn't lose Dorian too.

* * *

"You're just," Elden said, but stopped. He couldn't have this conversation out in the open. "Come with me."

"Where are we going?" Dorian asked with a sigh.

"Somewhere, anywhere," Elden said, unable to really form a coherent sentence. He pulled Dorian under a terrace where they would be mostly hidden from view. He took a deep steadying breath before speaking. "This is really it? You're really leaving for good?" He felt stupid. He had been so excited to see Dorian, had he really not considered this possibility? Had he really thought that things would go back to how they had been? That Dorian would stay? No, but before there had always been the possibility of Dorian at least visiting. If he became a Magister, Elden might never see him again. "I could come with you," he said desperately.

"I'm sorry, amatus, but you know you can't"

"They want to dissolve the Inquisition," he said quickly, pacing and looking anywhere but at Dorian. "Maybe I should let them, then-"

"No," Dorian said so forcefully it startled Elden into finally looked at him. "You can't throw it all away just for me."

"Dorian, since you left I've been running around trying to assure everyone we're not a threat. We can't accomplish anything like this. What if we cause an all-out war? Or if Orlais succeeds in taking our forces?"

"Your arm," Dorian interrupted. "Is it bothering you?"

What?" Elden looked down. He was gripping his left arm, clutching it tightly and he hadn't even noticed. He relaxed his grip but now that he was paying attention he couldn't ignore the pain spreading out from the mark up his arm. "Its fine," he lied. "Look, I've been fighting them, trying to do what good I can but I can't, I can't when they cut me off at every turn. What am I supposed to do? I'm so tired, Dorian. I'm so tired and I-" Elden stopped as his vision blurred with tears. Dorian was looking at him, startled, and Elden couldn't be doing this. He had to be stronger than this. Dorian needed him to be stronger than this. "I just," he said, after a pause. "I don't know what's going to happen. I know you need to do this, just promise me you'll be safe. I'll do whatever I can to help you-"

"No," Dorian said angrily. "Don't do that. Don't push it all away and pretend you're fine. It's just me here." He reached out and gripped Elden's shoulder as he tried to turn away.

"Please," Elden said, turning his head away as he felt a tear run down his cheek. "Neither of us want this to be what we remember of our last day together. Please just let me go."

"The blight take it all," Dorian muttered, crushing Elden against him, holding him tightly.

Elden buried his face in Dorian's chest, clinging to him, unable to hold back the stress and the fear and the loneliness that had been building in him these past two years. A sob broke from him and Dorian held him all the tighter, running his fingers through Elden's hair, placing his lips against Elden's temple and just holding him.

* * *

Elden wasn't sure how much time had passed. He and Dorian were now sitting on the ground in the shadow of the terrace, leaning against the wall and wrapped up in each other's arms.

"I'm sorry," Elden said at last. "I know I need to be stronger."

"That's enough of that," Dorian said, flicking Elden's ear lightly. "I told you. Don't do that, not with me."

"I meant what I said about dissolving the Inquisition. I won't be responsible for another war and I won't let Orlais take that power for itself. Varric gave me a house. I could go to Kirkwall and help him for a time."

"That shithole? You realize you're just asking for all hell to break loose around you again by going there."

"Sera also offered to let me become a friend. I'm not so sure that's a good idea though."

Dorian actually laughed at that and Elden buried his face in Dorian's chest again, smiling and blushing despite himself. Maker he loved the sound of this man's laugh. How he had missed it. "That really would be something to see. But you realize by going to Kirkwall Varric will probably try to get you elected as the new Viscount in his place."

"Ah, good point." They fell into silence again, just holding each other and enjoying the closeness, until Elden had to speak.

"This is it, then, isn't it? "

"What—you didn't think I would just leave and you'd never hear from me again, did you? Here." Dorian produced an amulet. Inside Elden found a small blue crystal. "A sending crystal. Amazing what friendship with the Inquisition gives you access to. Elden, you are the man I love. Don't think I'm going to let you go that easily. We can talk more about this when we see how the council turns out but either way you'll still have me. Now show me your hand. You should have told me immediately when it started getting worse. I could have been researching it."

Elden let him look his arm over, closing his eyes as he felt Dorian's fingers tracing over his palm. He promised to let him and Vivienne examine it in more detail later and just sat and listened to Dorian as he theorized and planned out loud. Elden still felt a weight in the pit of his stomach, a fear and an uneasiness for what was to come and what could happen, but knowing Dorian would still be there by the end of it helped, even if he'd be in Tevinter. And he knew Dorian would no doubt need his help as well. Elden held the sending crystal in his free hand, clutching it tightly like a lifeline.


End file.
